Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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