mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
