in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
