This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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