I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
