I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
