I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
