He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
