i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
