The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
