Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize