Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
