hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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