She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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