Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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