apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
