Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
