I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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