Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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