The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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