Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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