When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
