Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize