I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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