Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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