Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize