why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
