What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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