hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize