So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
