She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
