I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize