look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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