I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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