every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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