Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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