Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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