It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
