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Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
