I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
