Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
PANTIES FOUND
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