i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
