Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
