FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
