From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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