I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
