I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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