Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
