His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
