I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
