girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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