I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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