nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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