it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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