Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
