Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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