dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
