either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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