if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
