around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
