I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
