I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
