were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
