the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize