You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
