You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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