I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
