return my video game
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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